Safety in the Scene

It's party time!!

We all know the term Safe, Sane and Consensual. It’s the mantra that we operate by in the scene. This is the fine line that separates what we do from abuse.

The scene being what it is, tho, can provide a ripe breeding ground for dysfunction. Coming into the scene as a newbie is scary. If one does not have a firm grasp of what they are seeking, or how to enforce their own boundaries, one can land in hot water very quickly and very easily.

There are many, many good people in the scene. I have had the pleasure to know many and I know there are many more that I have not yet had the pleasure to know. I consider myself lucky in the respect that when I entered the scene about 11 years ago that it was on a small discussion board where I was able to get to know quite a few good people really well before venturing out into real life about 5 years later. This gave me an opportunity to read many pieces that outlined how to be safe when finally venturing out into real life situations, and to watch for consistency in those who seemed to already be interacting in real life. The timing was perfect in the sense that after a few years into the scene, the party aspect of the scene began to explode. By this time, I was more established and pretty certain what I wanted out of the scene and what I did not want, as well as comfortable with my own boundaries enough to shrug anyone off who tried to push past them.

Because of the dynamic of what we do, it can make those who have the potential to be unsafe harder to spot. “Dominance” is part of what we do, and a perfect cover for anyone who may desire to take advantage of or abuse another. If one is a newbie, they are in unfamiliar territory. They may not be fully aware of what is protocol and what is predatory. Their nerves may set them on edge, and they may find it difficult to distinguish whether or not their discomfort is due to a bad situation or just the uncertainty of how to navigate the scene.

If they find themselves in a bad situation, they may be uncertain how to react or extricate themselves from it. They may second guess whether their response is an over-reaction, and feel as if they have nowhere to really turn because they may not feel established enough to be able to get advice from others because they do not have a firm grasp on who is trustworthy and who is not.

They may feel unsure of whether or not it is okay to exert control over their own boundaries when, by the nature of what we do, many times we are ‘giving up control’.

They may try something and find they may not like it, yet feel as if they are not entitled to a change of mind. They may be unsure of exactly what it is that may work for them, and be made to feel as if they are ‘playing a game’ due to their indecision.

We all learn by our continuing experiences. If something doesn’t feel right to you, that is a red flag. Take note of it and proceed with caution. It doesn’t matter if you have made a mistake in the past and gone ahead and allowed something you were not comfortable with because you were unsure of how to assert yourself. It can not be used against you; you are entitled to decide at any time that you no longer want to do something, even if in the past you have allowed it. If someone dismisses you when you communicate this, you need to run far in the opposite direction.

Warning signs of potential danger for the unsure:

• If someone presses for sensitive personal information early on (vanilla relationships, work details, your past etc, ) be cautious! It is natural, as we are getting to know someone, to talk about details regarding ourselves. However, if someone presses for sensitive personal information, and continues to do so even if you express discomfort, beware!
• If someone starts to exert excessive and despotic control over other relationships in the scene, or elsewhere, beware!
• If someone belittles your boundaries or concerns when you state them, beware!
• If someone pushes your boundaries when you have clearly stated them or tries to talk you out of your boundaries, whether psychological or physical, beware!
• If someone uses guilt in order to get you to comply with what they are pushing, beware!
• If someone uses scene speak (saying you are ‘being disrespectful’, or ‘out of line’, or ‘topping from the bottom’ , etc) to avoid confrontation or to ignore stated concerns, beware!
• If someone continually pushes a sexual agenda, or a discipline agenda, when you have stated you are not interested in such, beware!
• If someone insists on not using safewords because it wouldn’t be a ‘real punishment’, beware!
• If you suspect you are being alienated from others you already know, or are being held back from branching out and getting to know others in the scene, beware!
• If you are constantly being reminded of the information they know about you, beware!
• If concerns or discomfort you express are turned around to be made into your fault, beware!
• If a person pushes for pictures, especially early on, and continues to insist or makes you feel silly even if you express discomfort, beware!
• If a person constantly talks about all their ‘good friends’ in the scene but you really do not see much true interaction to back it up, beware!
• If their public persona and their private persona are not consistent, beware!!

Everyone is entitled to their boundaries; be unapologetic about yours!! If you are not fully aware of what your boundaries are as a newbie, know that you are fully entitled to change what you want to engage in at any time, even if you have allowed something in the past. You are responsible for communication! The above list is not an assumption of mind reading. You must state what you want/do not want. If you are unsure, say so and reserve the right to change your mind. Even if you are starting out in a D/s relationship. If it doesn't feel right, insist on being heard!

Someone exhibiting an 'off' behavior is simply a red flag, but not always an indicator of a predator. It should simply be an indicator to step back a bit and re-examine what is going on and explore why a certain behavior has thrown up a red flag inside of you.

I recall once years ago chatting with a guy online. He volunteered certain information about himself during conversation, including his location and his last name. When he asked me for mine, I stated I was not comfortable sharing that information. He got really angry and tried to guilt me, saying he had shared his information and I should do the same. I pointed out that the difference was that he volunteered his information; I had not asked him to share any of that with me, therefore I was not obligated to share with him. I wouldn't ask for that because I, myself, was not okay with sharing it about myself. He got over it, and we actually became very close friends. Two years later, I actually had given him that information about me, as we would send packages back and forth to one another, and I trusted him with it. That one incidence of trying to guilt me into doing something I was not comfortable with doing did cause me to back off a bit, but I stuck to my boundary. A flag went up at that, as it should have. However, that one particular incident did not define him, and it wasn't something that he did again after I simply stated what my boundaries were and made clear I would not move from them.

The bad thing is, predators are usually skilled manipulators. They will lie without thought as long as they get what they want. Can women be manipulators? You better believe it, and some of the above can apply to them as well! But in this genre of what we do, it’s generally a dominant who is able to exercise such control under the notion of “D/s”. And I am addressing this issue from the perspective of a submissive/bottom in the scene.

Some people do want extreme control wielded over them, and that is their bag and not what I am addressing. What I am addressing above has to do with being targeted because you are new, and unsure and someone latches onto that vulnerability and makes that into an opportunity to exert domineering control for their own pleasure without regards to what you want. You may be strong and assertive in other areas of your life and think it can not happen to you. It can!! There is something about this genre that can sometimes cause us to throw out our normal radars and safeguards because we desire to let go in a safe way. You can not afford to do that, not when starting to get your feet wet or just getting to know someone. Even if someone you thought you knew well starts exhibiting certain behaviors listed above, and you have not agreed to it or feel coerced into agreeing, please take a step back to rethink things.

Communication is essential to what we do. Do not be dismissed, or bullied!

Be safe!