We attended the BBW event this past weekend, and it was wonderful, as usual. I haven't written because literally as soon as I arrived home, I hit the ground running full speed and simply had no time. I won't say much here about it, because this is not the post about it. I will be late with it, but something else has come up that I must write about in order to quiet my head. Seeing it down in writing may also make some sense for me. To get my thoughts in order, to see it presented in a logical way, and maybe even hear some feedback from others.
I had to work this week, and sometimes my schedule falls in a way that I can not be off work in time to pick up my kids at school on the days I have them. Usually, since I get off at 4 pm, and they can walk to their father's and be home by 3:50, you're looking at maybe a 30 minute wait for me to come get them. This has generally been workable with my ex. He works 3rd shift, and is often just up and showered by that time, so their walking to his house and playing for a half hour doesn't cause much of a problem.
However, on Wednesday of this week, the ex was planning to ride his Harley all day. I was a tad annoyed - he couldn't be back at the house to meet the kids and stay with them for 30 minutes and then go back out on his bike? Alas, I kept my mouth shut when he talked about not wanting to be inconvenienced with it. He said he would arrange for the kids to walk to a neighbor's house. The little boys who live in that house often walk home with our 3 kids (strength in numbers - I like that!) and also play with them outside. Once or twice I have picked one of the boys up and dropped him off at his driveway, because the family vehicle was broken down. However, I do not actually know these people. They are neighbors of my ex husband and his wife. I have met some of the neighbors (for one, I used to live in that house), especially the ones where my kids spend a lot of time in their yard playing. I have always been comfortable, but I also recognize too that my ex is capable of vetting people (being a police officer) and I know he loves our children and has many of the same thoughts on how security and privacy, etc, should be regarding our kids. Sometimes I do indeed believe he is a bit more lax than he should be, but for the most part, it's not anything earth shattering and I recognize his right to parent our children when the are with him in the way he deems fit, because he has just as much right as I do to make decisions regarding them. We work together really well, and when there are concerns, we raise them and work them out (both parent sets - he and his wife, and me and my hubby). Our goals and values are practically the same.
So, he arranged for the kids to go to this neighbors house and stay for about 30 minutes until I could come from work and get them.
I arrived, and knocked on the door. The kids were inside, about to play a game. The father of the boys who lived there came and said hello.
Immediately, I got a weird, creepy vibe. There was nothing tangible off, however, and so I told the kids to pick up what they had gotten out, to get their back packs, and come out to the van.
After we all got settled and I was pulling out to go take the kids' stepsister to their stepmother at the store my ex and her own, I asked the kids about their day, etc, as I always do. They told me I had just interrupted a game they were about to play, and said that the boys' dad was explaining the rules to them altho they already knew the rules. So I was like, "Oh, well, he probably wanted to make sure everyone understood them so there was no arguing. Is he nice?"
Immediately, my daughter said, "He's creepy!!"
Shocked, but acting aloof and somewhat disinterested, I asked, "Why do you say that?"
"He takes pictures of me!" she said.
Her stepsister then chimed in and said, "yeah, he does!"
Now I was really shocked. But I still acted calm and collected, not wanting to give away any kind of emotion, not wanting to suggest anything by reaction or words.
"What do you mean?" I asked. "Like, he takes pictures of all of you playing?"
Of course, I am thinking,
if he takes pics of his own children playing with their friends, that's not so weird. I've done that. Not often, but I have. The main focus was my own children, but sometimes their playmates may be in the pic.
"Sometimes," said the stepsister.
"Well," said my daughter. "sometimes all of us, but not always."
"Has he taken pictures of you alone?" I asked.
"Yes," my daughter said.
I was now concerned. I asked the stepsister next. "Has he taken pictures of you by yourself, or with playing with [his sons]?"
"Mostly with [his sons], but a couple times he has taken pictures of me by myself," said the stepsister.
"Not me!" said my daughter. "He has taken a lot of me by myself."
"Where?" I asked. "Inside the house? Or outside?"
"Both," said my daughter.
"Were others around?" i asked.
"Yes." said my daughter. "But he didn't take pictures of them."
Well, my own hubby is a hobby photographer, so I know that someone with that hobby may takes lots of pics. But I was wondering what it was that made my daughter feel like this was 'creepy'.
So, I said in my most understanding voice, "Well, I don't understand how that makes him creepy. Some people like to take pictures, like RG. You know how RG is always taking pictures?"
Both girls nodded knowingly.
"Does that make you feel creepy?" I asked sincerely.
Both girls answered with an immediate and adamant, 'NO!'
"Well," I said. "I am trying to understand why you think it's creepy that your friend's dad takes pictures, then? Because obviously," I said in a kinda silly voice. "taking pictures isn't something that's creepy, cuz you don't feel that way with RG. So, what about the picture taking makes it feel creepy?"
"RG takes pictures of a lot of things," said my daughter. "Not just me, or us."
I absorbed this, when the stepsister blurted out, "He pretends he is going to tickle us."
"Oh," I said. "Like, puts his fingers out like he is gonna come get you, but doesn't?"
"Yes," said the stepsister.
My daughter got very serious, and I swear to you, tears welled up in her eyes, "He has tickled me."
Now huge alarm bells were going off. Do I have anything against tickling? Of course not. My father tickled us, as did my grandfather. My kids' father wrestles with them and tickles them too. I count my kids' ribs sometimes and dare them to hold completely still. Lots of parents play with their kids this way, and the kids truly enjoy it.
But this man --- this man is not close with my children. He is a neighbor, and is not someone who is close to them. He is simply the father of some kids they play with. That's all. My father would never have tickled a friend I brought home from school altho he tickled us. As a matter of fact, I recall one time my dad being silly and a friend said 'me next!' and my father said, 'nah, we're done for now!'
There is a boundary there. This man absolutely should not be touching my child in this way, even if it's truly innocent; it is completely inappropriate.
This man should not be taking pictures of my daughter alone. There is NO reason for him to have ANY picture of her by herself. None at all. I mean,. if he was taking a picture of his sons climbing a tree or riding their bikes, and my daughter was with them -- I can see that. But taking multiple pictures of her alone on different occasions, even if others were around so she was in a 'safe environment' technically -- no, it's NOT okay.
She told me, "It made me really uncomfortable."
"Why?" I asked her.
Her eyes were filling. "I don't know. I just don't like it when people touch me."
"Did you tell him you didn't like it?" I asked.
"Yes, but he did it anyway."
I looked in the rear view mirror at the stepsister. "Has he ever tickled you?"
"No," she said. "But he has pretended like he was going to a lot of times. And he did tickle [my daughter], I've seen it."
I asked my son, "Has he ever tickled you?"
"No." he said plainly.
By now we were at the store, so I had the kids go in and use the restroom and I pulled their stepmother aside and asked her how well she knew these people?
"Pretty well," she said. (I later found out these people had recently moved to the neighborhood, like within the last year). She then went on and talked about the mother.
"No, the father," I told her. "He gave me a creepy feeling, and ironically, that is the exact word [my daughter] used to describe him to me."
I went on to tell her about the conversation in the van.
As we drove home, I became more unsettled. I realized that in talking to our kids about good touch, bad touch, that things can get awful confusing for kids. When Daddy tickles them, it's while wrestling and playing and having fun. Certainly that's not a bad touch! So, when someone does it and they feel weird, they don't get it. It's not associated with a 'bad touch' in their mind, so they get confused why they feel that way. And of course the psychological mind-fuck of laughing when you're tickled even if you hate it. Well, you laughed so you must be having fun.
In my line of work, I have taken quite a few child abuse/sexual abuse seminars and courses. I recalled tickling being a red flag, how it can be used as a grooming tactic, to get the child used to being touched. Tickling requires close physical proximity, and often squirming around which means even closer physical proximity.
I also had to consider that, while it was unlikely, that this man truly thought he was being friendly. How horrid to think of someone as the worst kind of offender of all, only for it not to be true? I didn't want to scare my daughter, and I didn't want to overreact.
I was certain when I talked to my ex later that he would think I was overreacting, and since this was one of the few things I was willing to fight over, I braced myself for that.
In the meantime, I let my daughter be and did some research online. While I have been through abuse courses, the more I read the more alarm bells went off.
I determined that regardless of this man's true intent, I could not take any chances on her safety. It only takes one time. Children can not defend themselves against an adult. Adults are too experienced, more mentally and psychologically savvy than a 9 yr old. I also knew that 'innocent' actions, like picture taking, can be used by pedophiles to feed their fantasy and lust. My worst thought is,
'what if there is a pic of my daughter floating around in predator land? What if her location is given?'
I mean, my god, I know it's probably far fetched -- but can you ever be too careful when it comes to your children? When 1 in 3 girls will be sexually abused by age 18? My husband thinks that is a very high amount, but personally I believe it is probably a conservative estimation.
Surprisingly, when I talked to the ex, he actually fully agreed with me. Being in his line of work, I knew he had taken the same types of training courses that I had, and that he would see the flags as well. And he also told me of another incident that he thought was odd, which actually added to the red flags.
So I am screaming in my head, 'why are you letting the kids go down there???'
I am one, I think I have said, who distances myself often from situations in which I have a strange feeling. My kids are not allowed to go inside anyone's house without express permission from me. Permission is not given unless I know the occupants (parents) of the household fairly well and feel like the house is fairly well supervised. Where we live, there is one little boy my kids play with a lot. However, they are not allowed to even go play in his yard. They have to stay in ours. Once I let them go over there, and the boy brought out a BB gun....no supervision. He ended up shooting my daughter in her arm. That and some other things made me realize that I have no idea what that child has access to without supervision, so I made a rule that they can't go over there to play, and they most certainly can't go inside.
However, our other neighbors, my children can play there and go inside. I allow the mother to take the kids to the back fields and barns to help with chores. I have talked extensively with her and her family. Their values regarding rules and such are the same. They supervise their kids. We check in with one another about the kids when they're playing in one yard or another.
I have even refused my own family members, some who I have been very close to, to be able to keep my kids or take them places because of their lack of judgment. And aunt of mine, who I was very close with, used to take my oldest son when he was younger to her house a lot. She and her children did not wear seat belts. I always insisted that while they did not, my son had to, no exceptions. She would buckle him in front of me, and agreed.
The very last time she ever took him, I had asked him if he wore his seat belt. He said he was told by my aunt when he asked about where the buckle was (guess the one in the backseat was buried), "You don't have to wear a seat belt in my car."
That was the last time I ever let him go with her.
My children's safety comes first. Feelings last.
Of course, you also don't want to blatantly accuse someone of something you're not certain they did, especially when so serious.
But I can, and will, tell my child what happened was grossly inappropriate.
Which is exactly what I did this morning.
After thinking on it, I decided that I would be very upfront with her. I was reluctant the night before to basically point to the neighbor directly and say, 'what he did was inappropriate.' and instead kinda talked around the generalities.
No.
She needed to know that it is inappropriate for someone she is not close to, who is not a family member, to take pictures of her, however innocent. She needed to know that tickling is not bad, per se, but that there is no reason why the father of a play mate should ever touch her like that. There is no reason for someone to disregard her when she says she doesn't like it.
And I told her this. But I also told her, sometimes there will be people who will do things and it will make us uncomfortable, but that doesn't always mean the person is meaning it that way. There are people who really think what they're doing is friendly, that some people are comfortable being more affectionate than others, and that they may not intend to make us feel badly. However, I also explained that even in these cases, if you are uncomfortable, it's okay to feel that way. It's okay to act on that discomfort, and ask the person to please not do what they're doing. A well meaning person will apologize sincerely and stop the behavior. An ill intended person will get defensive, try to deflect blame back to you, and tell you you're being silly or sensitive.
I also told her (knowing that things can be confusing, like pictures, because they're not blatantly 'bad') that if anything ever happens, regardless of who it is with, that makes her feel weird or uncomfortable, to come to me or her father. I told her that it didn't matter if she thought it was something stupid or small or silly, that we would never laugh at her, or tell her she was being silly, and that we can help her understand her feelings over something that may not actually seem 'bad' but may make her feel (in her words) "creeped out".
I don't think my ex's wife is too happy about my actions. I know she is thinking of the neighbors too (she tends to be a peace keeper) but this is one of those things that is too important to not take the bulls by the horn. I am not shouting from the rooftops, or even accusing this man of being a molester. What he did do, tho, was highly inappropriate and I will tell my child that so she knows and is validated in her discomfort over it. He may have truly been being friendly in his own eyes, but the benefit of the doubt will NOT be at the expense of my own child.
And, the more I think on it, the more I am convinced it is not innocent. I keep going back to this --- WHY does this man feel like he needs a picture of MY daughter?
THAT is the thing. There is absolutely no excuse or reason for a man who is barely acquainted with her to be taking pictures of her, even outside playing. When she is the sole target for the picture, I just can not come up with a plausible reason.
Anyway, that's my rambling for the day. I feel a bit better getting it out. My ex is going to talk to the neighbor, and the kids are not allowed to go into anyone's house without asking. I point-blank told the kids they could not go into that particular house for any reason. Rather than make them responsible for giving a reason, I told the kids that if asked, they need to tell whoever (grown up or kid) asked that they need to go ask their father. That way, when Daddy says 'no', it's on him and not the kids.
Thanks for listening. I feel better.
